


you're still you

by sunflowermalec



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Protective Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-11 05:51:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20148703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflowermalec/pseuds/sunflowermalec
Summary: Feeling lost and like he has no purpose without his magic, Magnus breaks down on the night that Alec was going to propose, and Alec comforts him.Or, the aftermath of 3x17.





	you're still you

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is actually my first time writing anything Shadowhunters-related, so I'm a bit nervous to post this. However, I love the show and the portrayal of Malec. 3x17 is one of my favorite episodes, and I really wanted to see what happened after Magnus' breakdown in it, so... that's how this fic came to be.
> 
> Trigger warning for the mention of suicide.
> 
> I hope you enjoy. :)

“Magnus.” Alec tries to keep his voice steady as he holds Magnus in place, his arms tightening around the warlock who, to his surprise, is unable to hold up most of his weight on his own. He feels Magnus shift slightly against his hold, letting out a mumble that sounds an awful lot like “I’m sorry” against Alec’s coat.

His heart aches. This wasn’t how tonight was supposed to go. He was supposed to get down on one knee and ask Magnus if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. Instead, Magnus had showed up, drunk out of his mind, and broken down in front of Alec. And really, he _should_ have seen this coming after all the things Magnus had said after Lorenzo had transferred some of his magic to him. He had said that he felt like he wasn’t important, that he didn’t feel whole without his magic. It was hard for him to understand just how much Magnus was hurting – he wasn’t a warlock; he wasn’t born with magical powers, but now he felt like slapping himself, because Magnus was clearly hurting, so much more than he’d let on. For him to go to Lorenzo for help, when he could barely stand the sight of him – he must have been desperate.

“I’m sorry.” His voice is clogged with emotion, his hand shaking where it rests on Magnus’ back.

At this, Magnus pulls away gingerly, swaying on his feet. “_I’m_ sorry,” he says, his gaze cast towards the ground. He slowly pulls away farther and rubs at his face to get rid of the traces of tears present there. “You prepared this wonderful meal, and I had to go and ruin it.”

“The dinner doesn’t matter,” Alec says, his chest tightening. He inches his way back towards Magnus and reaches forward with one hand, until his palm is resting against his cheek. “_You’re_ what matters.”

Magnus opens his mouth, as if he’s about to protest, but decides against it and closes it.

“Come on, let’s go inside,” Alec says, his arm wrapping around Magnus’ waist, pulling him close.

Magnus relaxes against the touch, allowing Alec to push him back into the institute and towards Alec’s room.

“Sit down. I’ll get you something to change into, okay?”

Alec doesn’t wait for Magnus to respond. Instead, he makes his way towards his closet, pulls out two sweatpants – a black one and a grey one – and a blue sweater for himself, as well as a maroon one for Magnus. When he returns to where Magnus is seated, at the foot of his bed, he hands the sweater and grey sweatpants to him and takes a seat on the left side of his bed. Carefully, so that Magnus doesn’t notice, he slips the Lightwood family ring into his desktop drawer, and then begins to change.

When he’s done, he climbs onto the bed, beckoning Magnus to join him. For a moment, Magnus looks hesitant, but he eventually follows his actions and crawls into Alec’s arms, his head moving to rest against his chest.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really,” Magnus says, letting his eyes drift shut.

“You know you can, right?” Alec asks and waits for a response, but when there is none, he continues. “You can tell me anything. I hope you know that.”

“I know.” Magnus lets out a sigh then and raises his head, propping himself on one elbow against the bed. “Thank you, Alexander.” He forces his lips up into a small smile, leans towards Alec, and places a kiss against his cheek. “I truly don’t know what I’d do without you,” he whispers, his breath warm against Alec’s skin.

Alec presses his hand against Magnus’ face, his fingers cupping his chin. “I love you,” he says softly as his thumb caresses his cheek. “You said some things the other day,” he swallows, feeling a lump form in his throat, “and I know I already said this, but I love you with or without your magic. That changes nothing between us.”

“I know, it’s just…” Magnus trails off, his eyes moving away from Alec’s. “I feel like I’m not the same person. Like I’m not… as important without it.”

“Magnus, you’re still you. I know you don’t feel like it, and I may not be able to understand fully, but… you’re still you on the inside. You’re the same person you’ve always been, and you’re still just as important.”

“I wish I felt that way,” Magnus says, moving so that he’s lying back down, resting against Alec. “It’s kind of ironic. For years, I hated the fact that I had magic. Being a warlock, I felt like a monster, especially after my mother died and my step father blamed me for her suicide. But for years, magic is what’s kept me connected to everyone around me. It might sound absurd, but… having people come to me for help made me feel I had a purpose, and now…” 

“Now you don’t feel like you do?” Alec finishes for him with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

“I suppose.”

Without warning, Alec rolls onto his side, shifting where he lays so that he’s at eye level with Magnus. He then reaches for Magnus’ hand and intertwines their fingers together. “You know, I’ve always admired the way you so selflessly are willing to help anybody who needs it. But, Magnus, there’s so much more to you than that. You have a purpose simply because you exist. Your purpose on this planet isn’t solely to help everybody around you. Your purpose is to live your life, and sometimes, you have to put yourself first in order to do that. Like I’ve said before, it’s okay to ask for help.”

“I’m not used to it,” Magnus replies as a tear starts to roll down the side of his face. 

Gently, Alec reaches forward and wipes it away. “I know. I didn’t used to be either, but then you came along, and somewhere along the way, it got easier. I have you to thank for that.”

“I didn’t do much...”

“Are you kidding? You helped me find the courage to come out. You helped me find the courage to do so many things I never thought I’d be able to do.”

“You did that all on your own.”

“Yes,” Alec says, “but you helped. Without you… I don’t think I would’ve ever done it.”

“Thank you,” Magnus whispers, his hold tightening against Alec’s hand. Smiling faintly, he raises it to his lips and presses them briefly against his knuckles, before placing their hands back on the bed. “I love you." 

“I love you, too,” Alec says with a smile of his own, before tugging Magnus towards him and wrapping him in a warm embrace. He reaches for the comforter then, covers both of them with it, and nuzzles his face against the nape of Magnus’ neck. “Get some sleep,” he whispers, his arms wrapping around Magnus’ middle, his hands resting on his stomach. “We’ll get through this, I promise.”

“I hope so,” Magnus murmurs, allowing his eyes to drift shut, comforted by the feeling of having Alec’s arms wrapped tightly around him.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to hear what you all thought of this, so feel free to let me know! Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed. :)


End file.
